Sea Glass
I strive to be like sea glass
Smoothed by tides that beat down
Upon me day after day after day
Instead of cracking under pressure
I will be moved by the waves
Learn to rise with the tides
Shine brighter as time passes
Rest quietly on the shore
The salt and time will smooth my edges
Jagged ends will meet and curve
The pressing pressure of the ocean
Will only polish my surface
But some days I'm just a bottle
Laying lonely by the waves
My cap is lost, my neck is cracked
Cast away from calling tides
But every piece of sea glass
Began when it could break
Before suffering wild oceans
Or learning what it could take
I like this poem. It's another well edited, tightly written poem, though this time you forwent the rhymes, until the final stanza, which rhymes lines two and four, adding a note of finality.
ReplyDeleteEven without the rhymes, though, this poem has the same sense of careful control that I have begun to expect from your work. There is no consistent meter, though there are some metrical lines here and there, such as "Too far away to meet the tides," which is in perfect iambic tetrameter. There metrical moments surface and vanish in the waters of the poem, giving the poem music and formality.
My suggestion for improvement is for the final line. I think it would sound nice and fit with what you are doing if you were to edit it down into meter. Also, since you have already mentioned and established the idea of pressure in stanzas two and three, there is no need to repeat it. We know it is there. So you could just say
and learned what it could take
and we would get the meaning you had in mind but with fewer word and better musicality.
this poem is so pristine and follows your style so well! you start with a certain image until a tipping point where you are left with the loneliness and brokenness. my favorite line is
ReplyDeleteThe pressing pressure of the ocean
Will only polish my surface
this flows so beautifully! i love the assonance. the language is coarse but its flow is melodic.
Wowwww this is amazing!! First of all I love the photo you chose it connects so well to the writing.
ReplyDeleteYou don't tell once you show everything with great images and uses of texture. My favorite is stanza 4 where you say
The salt and time will smooth my edges
Jagged ends will meet and curve
The pressing pressure of the ocean
Will only polish my surface
I love how the lines flow to each other and are not separate parts, this really reads like music and a song I would play on repeat.
One super tiny suggestion I would make is to your final stanza. When you say
But every piece of sea glass
Began when it could break
Before suffering wild oceans
Before learning what it could take
I would suggest rewording parts of this
every piece of sea glass
begins when it could break
Before suffering wild oceans
never learning what it could take/endure
Overall I love this poem and the different scenes of a beach consistently used throughout. Also goes great with your overall captain theme!!!