Villanelle: A Pair of Sinners

I’m breaking down while I am wishing you well.

As I see the pieces come undone.

Remember a few sins wont send you to hell.

Your puzzle doesn't fit together well 
Though the veneer of your smile is a strong one.

I’m breaking down while I am wishing you well.

You spend most of your days lost in a spell.

A haze I can't breach from where we begun.

Remember a few sins wont send you to hell.


I wish I could save you but I can't enter hell. 

So I leave you to slay demons alone.

I’m breaking down while I am wishing you well.


In part I built the peak where you fell

We were a pair of sinners who shied from the sun.

Remember a few sins wont send you to hell.


Now you fight alone while I escaped hell.

I’m desperate to fight and I'm forced to run.

I’m breaking down while I am wishing you well.

Remember a few sins wont send you to hell.

Comments

  1. Professor MillerMarch 6, 2022 at 6:49 PM

    So close! This villanelle is close to form; however, you dropped the rhyme scheme after the first stanza. You open with the ABA pattern, but then give it up. For the villanelle form, you want the first line of every single stanza to have the "ell" sound, and you want the middle line of each of the tercets, as well as the second line of the final quatrain, to have the "un" sound. You want the tercets in ABA and the final quatrain ABAA.

    So, for example, you could revise, so that it sounds like this

    You spend your days withdrawn in a shell,
    hidden away from the wind and the sun.
    I’m breaking down while I am wishing you well.

    The veneer of your smile could cast a spell.
    Like silk threads our two lives could be spun.
    Remember a few sins wont send you to hell.

    See what I mean?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Enya SmilovicMarch 7, 2022 at 9:26 AM

    Love this and your choices for repeating lines they are so powerful and poetic. Your opening stanza sets up a great tone that you maintain throughout. I don't have a suggestion I just love this and it really sits with me. I will be thinking about the stanza "I wish I could save you but I can't enter hell.

    So I leave you to slay demons alone.

    I’m breaking down while I am wishing you well." all day I just love your wording here and how you leave them to do their work, but you do wish them well in a sense. Thank you so much for sharing!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Rina ShamilovMarch 8, 2022 at 11:36 AM

    this poem is very sinister and dark, which follows the obsessive form of the villanelle so well.
    I have some suggestions on this stanza.

    Your puzzle can't quite fit together well
    Though the veneer of your smile is a strong one.
    Remember a few sins wont send you to hell.

    Your puzzle does not fit so well
    though the veneer of your smile is a strong one--> (one feels weird in this sentence, but it's needed for the rhyme)
    your slight sins won't send you to hell

    i really love this poem and am excited about how sinister it is.

    ReplyDelete

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